Recent photoshoot for Mr. Timesaver, “Your On-Demand Delivery Service.”
If you currently reside in The Netherlands, tap into MrTimesaver.nl for 24-hour pickup, cleaning, and delivery (dry cleaning, laundry, textile repairs, shoe service/repairs, curtain/carpet cleaning).
Throughout this project I served as:
* Strategic Business Consultant
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* Marketing Communications Specialist
* Brand Ambassador
Feel free to contact me directly with your strategic, creative, and/or talent needs.
Parenthood is a total game-changer when it comes to personal priorities, relationships with your spouse and family, communication, intimacy, hygiene, song-selection, and complete exhaustion. The pre-baby “itch” typically consists of euphoric daydreams of that new baby smell, silly giggles, perfect spoonfuls of baby food effortlessly popping in/out of tiny puckers, hot-mom bod sliding in and out of those skinny jeans, and trolling the streets with an innovative stroller system and matching shades like a boss.
You can’t possibly contemplate why everyone is asking you to “wait and enjoy life before kids… because everything changes.”
Thankfully, one intuitive mama named Fran sent me a special message to my “Ask Ruthi” advice column and put it out there. She asked the golden question that many want to know:
What really changes after having kids? What am I supposed to appreciate, besides the obvious, before preparing for parenthood?
As an experienced mom with four kids, please allow me to be your candid tour-guide into the future and break it down to you with my top 10 unfiltered truths about life before kids.
1. Enjoy Peace on Your Porcelain Throne
“Hey sis, I think mom is in the bathroom. Let’s go!”
You may not appreciate it yet, but you are queen of the crapper right now… alone. Go ahead—sit, squat, pee, or poop in complete serenity! You have it better than you know right now. Once kids come into play, your throne becomes a magnet for little ones. You are no longer queen of that throne, more like a loyal servant. The doors become their personal drum… and that’s only if you are able to close the door. Locking the door for any reason whatsoever sends an ultrasonic mental alarm instructing them to bang on it nonstop in complete hysteria as to why you are locking them out. If you choose to leave the door open for a quick piss, you’re likely on standby to break up the next sibling issue or simply signalling for an audience. Just don’t become the “camel bladder mom” who forgoes a bathroom break altogether until the end of the day when you give up and Cailou comes on.
2. Enjoy Your Birthday Suit
Some parents believe that nudity around their kids of all ages is acceptable, and more power to them. You may or may not agree, but in any case, enjoy your body and your random will to be naked… at any time! Kids are curious and parenthood will offer you more questions than you bargained. Your personal sense of modesty may likely change when you have constant spectating eyes, pokey fingers, and a flurry of questions at all times. Let’s face it, your body will totally morph after pregnancy, labor, and about a few too many tubs of Nutella because “you just need a break.” If you breastfeed, your once perky boobies may resemble more of a deflated Hacky Sack after a few rounds of kids. Enjoy your enviable perky boobies. Squeeze them, bounce them, and hold them up high in your best cleavage-boasting bra. Enjoy your freedom of random nudity. Frolic in your freedom, my friend. Heck, both of you walk around naked any time for any reason and shout profanities because you can!
3. Enjoy Your Veggies
Broccoli or Baby?
This may sound like a strange topic, but please hear me out. When you are pregnant, your belly may grow to shocking proportions and resemble an overripe watermelon of sorts. When everything eventually makes it’s way back to pre-baby weight and you are done celebrating with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, you may experience your first real bloat that will give you PTSD over your 9 months of stretched-out skin that finally retracted. Broccoli, brussel sprouts, onions, beans, spinach, mushrooms, etc. will unfortunately be followed by a new veggie baby bump. You may even instinctively begin cradling it, rocking side-to-side, and watching that gas-baby stretch to drastic proportions, my friend. Veggies will no longer be the same. By nighttime, you and your hubby may even bid on what month your bloatacious broccoli baby appears to be measuring. The most humiliating part happens to the best of us when an unsuspecting mom says those 5 words that change your friendship forever. “Congratulations, when are you due?” Please think of a good comeback line now for that one, because the shock will leave you speechless and daydreaming of kicking her in the face, long after the incident.
4. Enjoy Loud Loving
Shout, scream, howl, sing opera, and/or slam that headboard to your heart’s content while bumping—whatever your jam. Just go for it at any time, and enjoy it loudly. Once kids come in the picture, things become quiet as a mouse to avoid little feet tip-toeing towards images they will never be able to erase. Your once wild frolic will be more of a pantomime romp if you both stay awake long enough to enjoy. The only loud loving you’ll be doing will happen during scheduled nooners if your kids are all in school.
5. Enjoy Mealtime Conversation
Barking out orders for kids to stay at the table, pleading for bored kids to eat their food, entertaining each bite, begging kids to “try” their veggies, and cleaning up spilled drinks will take up most of your focus during a meal with kids. Older kids will have “big ears” and lots of questions over every secret conversation or whisper you try to succeed. As your hubby rolls his eyes and you frantically try and keep the peace while instilling good table manners, adult conversation will be better suited for nighttime.
6. Enjoy Your Day Off
Once you have kids, there’s no turning back. Welcome to the world sans sick days, bye bye loud parties or drunken stupors, no more hangovers, and no more reckless behavior. Parenting means all eyes, all ears, and all questionable behavior closely monitored and analyzed by little humans learning from their superhero role models. Don’t screw up, because one day they will be pushing your wheel chair and paying for your nursing home.
7. Enjoy Couples’ Vacay
Vacation won’t be the same once you assume the role of parent. Your lounging, late-morning, and over-indulging romantic getaway will soon be replaced by water slides, floaties, tantrums, early mornings, goldfish snacks, and photo ops with strangers wearing large cartoon costumes. Everything will be about the kids at all times. Grab your glass of wine now while you soak it all in.
8. Enjoy Nasty Talk
Potty mouth, sailor mouth, foul language, cursing, swearing—whatever you call it, shout it out in plain sight… and then do it over and over again until it’s out of your system. No you did not say shoot, ship, oh nuggets, or shut the front door! Let it out like a mama peeling out of those skinny jeans at the end of the day! Free those swear words like a mama taking off that tired bra because you just had enough. Let it all hang out, sista’! Let loose and don’t hold back because once you have munchkins in your vicinity, all ears will be parroting back your bad habits.
9. Enjoy Your Music
You may be taking it for granted and have no idea whatsoever. Right now you gracefully sit in the car without wrestling a single small human into any car seat, and you just turn the radio on. You scroll through those stations and listen to anything YOU want and turn it up louder than little ears should be exposed. Before you know it, your tiny humans will own you. They will own your brain even long after they are in school, as the “Wheels on the Bus,” “Laurie Berkner” or “Cailou” tunes torture your tired brain as you do grocery shopping or sit through another status meeting at work. However, this phase will likely pass by the second or third kid—I assure you—as their nursery rhymes will be replaced by the best rap or pop music in your stage of mental rebellion and you develop reflexes like a cat in quickly muting the inappropriate parts.
10. Enjoy Your Sleep
This advice seems overrated and tired, since it’s typically the very first recommendation you receive without much explanation. Here’s the truth, my friend—once you have kids, it’s for life and karma will pinch you nasty if you screw up. The “sleep now” advice seems like crap to you, I’m sure—but what you don’t realize is that whether you are super-pregnant and managing sleep like a whale on dry land; sleeping in 15-second increments as a newborn screams for more cuddling and milk; sleeping with your toddler’s elbow, knee, and toes somehow crammed up your nose through the night; or returning into different bedrooms for the eighth cup of water; sleep will be obsolete, even on the days that you sleep with one eye opened because you’re worried why your kid actually slept through the night. Once you’re preggo, you’ll sleep in about a decade later, unless you have more than one…no worries.
Please do not be discouraged by this list, as having kids is a beautiful, life-changing, all-encompassing journey and gift that can ever happen to a person. I would never have it any other way. This incredible phenomenon known as parenthood is a rollercoaster ride that comes with its own bag of ying-yang and a bucket of karma that will carry us through time, age, and experience, only to ultimately offer us the sharpest wisdom from the best and worst of our personal experience.
Just remember to enjoy every step of your journey—and learn to laugh, forgive, love openly, and be the most compassionate and selfless part of yourself you can express. After all, you and your life partner will soon be the guardians of tiny, precious humans.
I love my lil’ monsters, but I’m clearly having “one of those weeks.” Can you please help me?
1) How do I find an even-flow at dinner, let the kids share their day, but also allow parents/adults to talk also. Also, how do I teach my kids to sit and eat their dinner? I feel like throughout most meals, the kids make everything a game, act overly silly—they become so distracted that they don’t finish eating or spill their food—not to mention the excessive reminders to use an inside voice, not talk with their mouth full, etc.
2) How do I get my kids to listen the first time and not completely loose my mind when they don’t listen. I’m just so tired of repeating myself.
3) How do I get my kids to not dilly-dally (or touch/play with whatever crosses their path) when transitioning between tasks and places?
Thanks for your openness and honesty! I’m sorry that you’ve been experiencing a tough week, although you can rest-assured that you’re not the only one. You have actually—quite accurately—captured the typical toddler struggles between parents and children.
The good news, however, is that with the right mix of modeling, consistency, reassurance, and reward (and it’s not what you think!), it’s ALL teachable over time.
I’ve been there, believe me. I’ll paint the picture, as I know it so well:
- The endless struggle between kids who just want to “have fun” and annoyed parents who want peace and sanity at the table
- Toddlers who act out at the table because they’re just “bored” of sitting without entertainment
- Mom trying to desperately repeat table manners to distracted ears
- Mom’s desperate plea to her kids, “just eat!”
- Mom struggling through conversation with her husband, while managing the chaotic little table patrons
The. Struggle. Is. Real. Mealtime can be so stressful, no doubt—and going out to eat isn’t always so pleasant either.
How does it get better? Does it even get better? Yes, yes it can.
Engaging the Senses
Let’s face it—kids are curious and full of energy. Toddlers may often have a hard time just sitting for long periods of time to eat food that is not considered “fun” or “exciting” to them. Their natural inclination is to play, laugh, move around their seat, engage their senses, and find a game, goofy behavior, or toy to focus on instead. Constant nagging, repeating, and threatening consequences may seem like the only way… but it often falls to ears that have tuned you out long before your begging session. You want your child to learn, and you don’t want to resort to zombie-mode with an electronic device or tv blaring in the background either.
One of the greatest lessons that I have learned with four kids of my own is to stimulate their mind with the entertainment that they crave and is acceptable.
“I have an important question for you! I’ll only ask when you’re sitting flat and center on your chair, and have taken a bite. Who will go first?”
- Offer each child your full attention by asking his/her opinions and thoughts about any topic relevant in their world. Demonstrate active interest and importance, and then offer your individual thoughts as well. Simply model conversation techniques. Not only does this practice offer a boost of self-validation and confidence for the child, but also models proper conversation practice.
“Who wants to play a game?”
- Tap into each child’s mind with a verbal activity that suits the meal. Start a simple game of “I Spy” as they actively eat their meal throughout the game. Other games could include basic math skills using their fingers. Phonics games, such as “I’m thinking of an animal that starts with the letter _” are also wonderful mental exercises that are practical, educational, and fun. Older siblings particularly enjoy speed-maths as a group, or individual questions based on skill level. The basic premise is to demonstrate the underlying facets of conversation, turn-taking, active mealtime, mental stimulation to calm the body, confidence-building, and modeling appropriate verbal play between siblings.
“Wow, I love how well you’re eating!”
- The best reward is to praise the positive, no matter how trivial. Demonstrate proper manners and explain their importance if a child continues the same bad habit. Instead of repeating so much… just don’t. Let the children know that they lose dessert or an activity after three strikes at the table. The best part is that the strike doesn’t have to include an angry face, repeating, or shouting. A calm shake of the head, special look, or soft discouragement of the action and a silent counting finger in the air let’s the child know that you’re completely serious (and stay consistent). Praise builds confidence and losing a privilege deters the action from happening again, even if it takes a few times to learn the hard way.
- For other incentives, such as earning “stamps,” tap into an innovative stamp system on my “Game-Changer Chart for Frustrated Parents” blog.
“Ouch! Stop stepping on me with your words!”
- Turn-taking in conversation is actually a skill—learning to speak in a space. When a child’s thought is imminent and he/she is worried about forgetting and is excited to share, not a moment passes before a child will blurt out a comment in the midst of conversation and repeat it loudly until heard and acknowledged. This skill is a tricky one but still teachable. Hold up your hand like a stop sign toward the child who is speaking out of turn with a quick mention that you were in the middle of another conversation first but would love to hear his/her though after you’re finished, helps to convey your point. Remember, you are the crossing guard of table conversation.
- I also enjoy imagery to better explain my feelings with children. I often explain that when we wait in line, we offer space between each person. We don’t step on each other or push each other out of the way. We need to take turns. This works particularly well in conversation also. I ask the kids not to “step on each other with their words” and have respect for each turn. When multiple children begin speaking at the same time, I may cover my ears and explain that I can’t understand anyone when two are speaking at the same time. Turn-taking and speaking in a space (interjecting with an add-on thought during a space of conversation) are essential social tools that are necessary throughout life and can easily be instilled from a young age.
“Eeew, I don’t want to see your chewed up food.”
- Kids become excited to speak when they have an important thought—even mid-chew. Explain the importance of finishing the food in his/her mouth before speaking, dangers of choking while speaking, and offering the tools to manage this scenario are key. Demonstrate how to cover our own mouth with one hand and place one finger in front to indicate a pause for swallowing. This effectively “saves their spot in line” of conversation. If a child continues to speak with a full mouth, I generally remind the child that I don’t want to see his/her chewed up food nor can I understand the garbled speech. “Please finish your mouth so I can understand.” Model the behavior again and don’t offer any more attention until the child obliges.
Fight Distraction Through Action
The Broken Record Syndrome is exhausting, mind-numbing, and often angering… why won’t they just listen?! It’s simple… they’re not robots! Children are curious and easily distracted little sponges soaking up e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. around them all the time. Stop being a drill sergeant or ol’ yeller and make a change to your unflattering and flailing approach.
- Morning Time Music: Play music through your computer, iPhone, or radio with some positive and fun tunes. Change up the morning vibe and sing/dance and wake up those kiddos with a silly smile. First one dressed gets to be DJ and pick the next song! Other morning time games and strategies to wake up and go can be found on my “5 Tips to Ending Morning Meltdowns” blog.
- Game of Speed: Kids love challenges, so ask the kids to pick the number of seconds within a range that they can safely complete a task. When an activity is a game, everyone wins. Remember to always praise good listening, effort, and follow-though. Continue this until their quick attention and action become inherent, but don’t lose sight of your appreciation and acknowledgent.
- Repeat Until Its Done: Kids know they can forget because they’re easily distracted. Help them by stating your expectations in short statements. Repeat or sing these phrases, and then ask them to do the same until it’s done. For instance, in the morning, you may say, “Teeth. Socks. Shoes.” Repeating until it’s done offers a practical way to remember and complete a task on a mission.
Remember, when you’re annoyed, tired of repeating, or just exhausted… try to envision the world through your child’s eyes. Instead of quickly responding to the superficial action, try to understand the why and the instinctive need and then think of a way to help a child learn and grow.
P.S. Do you have a question that you’d like to share with us? Contact Ruthi with new questions, comments, and tips to this answer by filling out the form on the Contact Us page.
Managing out of your marriage rut… it’s not what you’d think!
Once the glamour and excitement of the dating life subside…
Once the giggles of newlywed bliss settle…
Once the pregnancy glow wane into a house full of kids and an exhausted glare…
Once the twinkle in your eyes turn into daggers over residual arguments, issues, and exhaustion…
You have reached a common marriage rut. Now what?
If you have asked yourself any of these questions, know that you’re not alone:
- “How did we get here?”
- “How do we make it better?”
- “Why am I so mad all the time?”
- “Who am I?”
- “Will I ever get back to pre-baby weight?”
- “How did I get here?”
The truth is that most of us moms reach a certain point where we stop, reflect, review, and question. There is absolutely no doubt that parenting is a true blessing that also impacts every facet of a marriage. From communication, parenting style, to romance and intimacy, every single area is essentially tossed up into the air and revamped for better or worse.
The bottomline is that yes, marriage may hit a stalemate in many ways, but you can both overcome and rise above the rut. Refresh, redefine, and re-explore yourself and your relationship with these 7 shockingly real lessons learned.
1. Ground Rules
You’ve done enough mousing around. You’ve walked on enough eggshells. You’ve hit below the belt with some frustrated comments that seeped their way out when you felt like you’ve just had enough. Your passive aggressive comments are no longer under-the-breath, but now loud enough to be easily heard.
In any relationship at any level, “communication is key.” While this statement may sound tired and necessitate an eye-roll when it comes to your spouse, it is most certainly true. If you are truly dedicated to revamping your marriage, you must first set some ground rules.
No name-calling. No interrupting. No raising your voice. Apologize if you messed up.
Truthfully, these are also the same set of rules that I have set for my kids getting along because proper communication should be a respectful and honest exchange of ideas. With that said, find a calm, quiet, and consistent time to discuss. Before bedtime works in my world, since our other rule is also to never go to bed angry.
2. Clean the Slate
While you may be envisioning some boxing gloves or some fierce fire-breathing when you get started, hold back sista’! Settle down and tone down your thoughts to real feelings, not a reactive response fuelled by anger.
Speak openly and from the heart. Starting with “I feel” statements work best to communicate with direction and sincerity. Let it all out and always end a discussion with small steps that each of you can improve. Remember that there are always two sides to every story, and you will likely have some work to do as well.
Clean the slate as relationship maintenance, and over time, you will be free of all the passive aggressive and residual anger that soils your marriage. Don’t forget to acknowledge effort and demonstrate your appreciation for even the smallest of details. Once you begin the pattern of thankfulness, it will become contagious, and he will respond to this pattern as well… and let’s face it, especially as moms, we ALL appreciate more thankfulness.
3. Back-Off Basics
Whether you attribute mood fluctuations to science, male species, parenting drama, lack of sleep, hormonal fluctuations, or just plain sociology, in order to help your marriage to thrive, you must respect the basic principles of when to back-off. When your spouse is inducing so many eye-rolls, daggers, and under-the-breath slander that you just may lose it, reconsider these common reasons.
Hungry * Tired * Stressed with Work * Hungry * Tired
Oops, did you see “Hungry” and “Tired” listed twice? Yes, it’s there for a reason, as these are most likely the reasons—and sorry to burst your bubble, ladies, but it’s also likely the reason for you too.
Once you have this basic formula for grouchiness set into your brain, you need a plan—identify, walk away, resolve, and return. Instead of jumping into the boxing ring with your spouse, stop, DO NOT respond to his twitch-inducing commentary, identify his possible needs and resolve them, and walk away. When the need is met and he returns with a sweet smile or silly comment to let you know the grouch is gone, you know you’ve won. Believe me, this practice works on me as well. As a matter of fact, my husband actually developed this practice first and used it on me. Works. Every. Time.
4. Wiggle & Jiggle
Whether you are metaphorically chained to your washer/dryer, dishwasher, supermarket, or office, you need a way to release. You need fun in your life. You need silliness. You need sexiness. You need to feel every ounce of yourself that has likely become numb or muted since you forced tiny human(s) out of your loins.
No matter your shape, size, breast cup, cellulite situation, or music preference, you need to let out some steam like a geyser. Believe me, you’ll feel better when you do—and there’s nothing sexier than wearing confidence.
When you’re at home alone, blast some music and dance. I mean really dance! Wiggle and jiggle every single part of your body and let loose. Experiment with your music choice, sing loudly, dance crazy, test out some raunchy dance moves, and shake, shake, shake. Feel alive again. Sing, dance, and reignite that mama that let herself go. You will start to regain confidence, find happiness again, and even feel sexy. We all need a release.
5. Identify Your Identity
Stop squeezing into those jeans that make your crack hang out and muffin top overflow. Stop stressing out about those love-handles that just won’t quit. Stop dressing like you pulled off a window curtain or table cloth and strapped it around your bosom to hide your curves. Who are you now? What is your style?
Reinvent yourself every single day. Experiment with your style. You may not be the same person you were before kids or before marriage, but you are a new and wonderful you… so test it out until you like what you see. Find your happy—and the inside will then match on the outside and everyone will notice. Treat yourself to a better you!
6. Reigniting the Flame
The butterflies are not dead, ladies. The excited giggles are not gone. They’re just waiting to be reignited—and believe me, it’s possible.
Small steps… flirty touches when the kids aren’t looking, a soft kiss here and there, a romantic gaze or whisper, an extra long hug with meaning, and steamy texts throughout the day. Start off small and see how quickly it’s reciprocated.
From slinky pyjamas or your birthday suit, a romantic comedy rental to get you going, or a surprise lunch-break nooner to change things up. Once you get the fire-burning in your relationship, everything will improve too.
Your sense of self and belonging in this world are the greatest assets you can own.
Physical intimacy is important not only for your personal satisfaction, but also affects your sense of confidence, happiness, appreciation, respect for each other, and willingness to please each other during the day with helpfulness, as well as in the evening when the kids are sleeping.
7. Find your Happy
Yes you’re a parent and spouse, but what makes you happy? What drives you? What motivates you? What makes you excited, whether a hobby or profession? Tap into your private peace and make a plan to enjoy it.
“Life experience and lessons learned serve to paint the canvas of your individual masterpiece.
Celebrate your perfect imperfection!
Live, laugh, and love passionately— and you will then find true happiness and success.”